No. 16 | Reading pleasure: 30+ books with well-written sex
Looks like we've got some reading to do.
In the last issue of Letters by Deepa, I turned to my little community of subscribers, Instagram followers, and readers who like to creep, but won’t subscribe ;) to help me compile a reading list by answering the question: “What is the sexiest book you’ve ever read?”
My interest is in learning about how different writers approach sex, so that I can figure out my own personal language for writing about sex in my own memoir. *gulp* Which, in case you don’t already know, is about being in an open marriage.
What I was looking for
The good stuff. Memorable, sophisticated writing about sex, whether a scene, an entire book, or a whole series. In the case of nonfiction: honest, real, and powerful.
The book doesn’t have to be entirely about sex. If it’s a great book overall, but only really has one good sex scene, I’ll still want to read it.
No bodice-rippers, drugstore paperbacks, or adolescent smut. You won’t find Jackie Collins or Danielle Steele here. No self-help or how-to books—having said that, I’m currently working with The Yoni Empire on an awesome how-to on anal sex for women. Subscribe to Elena’s newsletter to stay updated!
What I learned (anecdotal, unscientific, and statistically unsound observations only)
It’s still really, really hard for grown-ass women to talk about sex. One reader, a mother of two, confessed she still skips sex scenes in books and fast-forwards them in series and movies. Several women opted to send me their recommendations via private message rather than post them on Instagram, lest the world see that they… gasp… read sexy books. Another reader, after having shared a gem of a fan fiction site, said, “Now you know my dirty little secret.”
Many women I asked were hard-pressed to name a single sexy book. Why is that? Do we avoid them? Find them boring? Feel guilty about them? Did we only seek them in our hormone-crazed teen years, when we wanted to know everything about sex? When did that curiosity dry up and why—or has it ever? I don’t think it has: people expressed curiosity about this list, which is why I’m sharing it.
Personally, I was dismayed that I couldn’t think of any Filipinos who are writing about sex and pleasure. I find it so sad that all Filipina women have is Dr. Margie Holmes, the Philippines’ singular celebrity sex and relationship therapist for over 25 years, and starlets/models—often raised in a Western country, which made them marginally more willing to talk about sex—turned “sex columnists” in now-defunct men’s magazines like FHM. Does anyone still remember Asia Agcaoili?
Out of curiosity: who writes about sex and pleasure where you come from? What are they saying about it ?
What I found: the list
First of all: thank you!
You have helped me compile a sexy reading list that includes over 30 books, which I’ve organized into the following categories: the classics, contemporary fiction, personal essay and memoir, Filipino and Asian writers, poetry, series, and the lone Dutch recommendation.
This is by no means a comprehensive list: we are book lovers and we are legion, but we haven’t read everything out there. Far from it. Please help me expand the list!
I’ve written briefly about my top five picks, which are all nonfiction except for one. The rest of the list comprises about 80% reader recommendations so I can’t comment on them. I’ve left personal notes on the few I have read and feel very enthusiastic about.
Leave a comment below if: 1) you have a book to add to the list, and 2) you’ve read any of these books. I would love to know what you thought of them. Please feel free to contribute, discuss and share!
I’ve provided Kindle links because I’m a Kindle user, and Amazon affiliate links because this newsletter is free and I hope you won’t mind if I get a little something back for what I put into it.
If you would like to share a link to any of these books via an independent bookseller, leave a comment below. I’ll do my best to keep this list updated.
Finally, if you quote or republish any part of this list, kindly remember to link back to Letters by Deepa as a courtesy and thank-you for my effort. Be nice!
Okay, so here’s the list.
My Top Picks
Warning: these are not light books. But who ever said sex was easy and uncomplicated?
Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good (adrienne maree brown) - a powerful collection of essays on pleasure as a means of liberation, healing and happiness. The topics range from sex as you’ve probably never thought about it before (e.g. trans sex, disabled sex) to food, drugs, music, and more. I read this over the summer, and it completely blew my mind and gave purpose and meaning to my humble effort to write my own memoir. If you truly want mind-opening perspectives on sex, particularly on how pleasure can be a force for social justice, READ THIS BOOK.
Three Women (Lisa Taddeo) - an epic masterwork of journalism, these three intertwined tales of women and desire reads like a gripping novel. MUST READ.
Hunger: A Memoir of (My) Body (Roxane Gay) - early in the book, Gay (one of my favorite contemporary writers) references her childhood experience of sexual assault, which fundamentally shaped her relationship to her body and led to a lifelong struggle with obesity.
The Kiss (Katherine Harrison) - complex and courageous memoir about a young woman’s incestuous affair with her pastor father.
Middlesex (Jeffrey Eugenides) - Pulitzer Prize-winning novel about the coming of age of Callie, who is intersex. Touching, tender, awkward and real.
The Classics
Fear of Flying (Erica Jong)
Tropic of Cancer (Henry Miller)
Delta of Venus (Anaïs Nin) - you might also be interested in Henry and June: From "A Journal of Love," The Unexpurgated Diary (1931–1932), Nin’s journals from the period in which she and Miller, who were both in open marriages, were lovers.
The Age of Innocence (Edith Wharton) - no sex, but lots of longing
The Story of O (Anne Declos, writing as Pauline Reage)
Contemporary Fiction
Normal People (Sally Rooney)
Call Me By Your Name (Andre Aciman)
Luster (Raven Leilani)
Like Water for Chocolate (magic realism, Laura Esquivel)
Written on the Body (Jeanette Winterson)
Verity (psychological thriller, Colleen Hoover)
The Museum of Innocence (Orhan Pamuk) - more longing than sex, but still beautifully written
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo (Taylor Jenkins Reid)
Eleven Minutes (Paolo Coelho)
Promise Me Forever (Debbie Macomber)
American Psycho (Bret Easton Ellis) - mega explicit and brutal, but hey, maybe some of us like that. This novel is a work of genius.
The Remains of the Day (Kazuo Ishiguro) - also no sex, but exquisitely restrained longing. Never Let Me Go, Ishiguro’s novel about clones who experience puberty and explore their budding sexuality, is also worth a read.
Personal Essay and Memoir
Kink: Stories (anthology, edited by Garth Greenwell and R.O. Kwon) - or is this short fiction?
Hooked: The Secrets of a High Class Call Girl (memoir, Samantha X)
Wild (memoir, Cheryl Strayed)
Sister Outsider (essays and speeches, Audre Lorde) - Uses of the Erotic: The Erotic as Power is one of the most powerful essays I’ve ever read.
Eve’s Hollywood (essays, Eve Babitz) - my pick for most fun and compelling narrator, Eve Babitz had a string of lovers that included Jim Morrison, Ed Ruscha, Steve Martin and Harrison Ford.
Asian and Filipino Writers
Hard-Boiled Wonderland and the End of the World (Haruki Murakami)
The God of Small Things (Arundhati Roy)
Ermita (historical fiction, F. Sionil Jose) - copies are super mega rare, apparently. Sorry about the price.
America is In The Heart (fiction, Elaine Castillo)
Tropical Gothic (short fiction, Nick Joaquin)
Ladlad: An Anthology of Philippine Gay Writing (edited by Danton Remoto)
Tingle: An Anthology of Philippine Lesbian Writing (edited by Jhoanna Lynn Cruz)
I’m sure Salman Rushdie has written some good scenes somewhere, but I can’t think of any specific book.
Poets
Sappho, ancient Greek poetess
Rumi, ancient Sufi poet
Audre Lorde, Black lesbian radical feminist
What Kind of Woman (poetry collection, Kate Baer)
Milk and Honey (poetry collection, Rupi Kaur)
My knowledge of poetry is woefully inadequate. Please educate me.
Series
Outlander (historical/fantasy fiction by Diana Gabaldon)
A Court of Thorns and Roses (fantasy/young adult fiction by Sarah J. Maas)
Throne of Glass (fantasy/young adult fiction by Sarah J. Maas)
Websites
Literotica (free erotica online)
Archive of Our Own (fan fiction) - and you thought you were the only one who’d ever imagined having a sex with a celebrity, fictional character or historical figure. The categories are truly mind-boggling!
Dutch
Louter lust: erotische verhalen voor vrouwen (short fiction, Lydia Rood)
Thanks for confessing, contributing and sharing.
Here in Amsterdam, the trees are starting to turn gold and the rain is basically nonstop. Autumn is in full swing; I hope these books turn up the heat and help you keep warm during the long, cold nights ahead. See you in two weeks!
Nice! Another tip: Damn, Horny (Marie Lotte Hagen & Nydia van Voorthuizen), een ode aan wat seks voor niet-cismannen allemaal is en kan zijn. ♥️